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I decided to make a guide in one step-by-step painting of how to become a renowned contemporary artist and sell your painting for millions in your lifetime.
Since you are probably broke and starving if you are inspired to be a famous artist, I will take you step by step of how to turn your last $1 into millions. It really isn't that far fetched of a goal once you really get down to business. I believe anyone can become a world famous artist if they follow some of the things I feature in this blog.
You’re going to need a medium to paint. I will try to follow in your footsteps a bit for this.
To start this tutorial I went to a Goodwill in a very poor neighborhood. It was picked over of everything useful except books and stationary. I nabbed a 15 sheet pack of quality paper that retails for about $6 for only $1.
I cheated a bit since I already have plenty of brushes and paints, but I made sure to limit my supply cost to less than $1, and I used the oldest brush possible. You don’t really need a brush though. Remember, you need all your money to pay back that loan for the expensive art degree you hopefully have already (and it better be a masters). Without this degree you have no chance to impress the important contemporary art people. I advise taking up some sort of controlled substance that suppresses hunger as well. That will stretch the ramen budget depending on what kind of (drug) dealers you are connected with.
Next, I sketched a bunch of inspired and wonderful ideas with great technique and soul with these 15 sheets of paper. After I got done wasting my time with that, I fixed myself a drink and got to business with the backing cardstock of those 15 sheets of paper.
This is serious business now. A genuine original that’s going in a gallery. I took and focused all my emotion and set to paint a wonderful abstract expression of my emotion and artistic integrity. I don’t normally exhibit my raw emotion through abstraction, but sometimes that is what it takes to be famous!
You may or may not be as awesomely talented as painting as me. I earned my Masters in Fine Art under a full scholarship at a top Russian academy. I also draw from this education a vast inspiration from the great contemporary painters of our time. People like Mark Rothko, and Kazimir Malevich. You may not be so educated or talented as me, but I think most people can understand the depth and purpose of the aforementioned art superstars. You should dig deep down right before painting and ask god to channel you some of their greatness.
Nobody likes an artist who is completely sane. If you have to fake a suicide, or mental illness then do so. Autism is really popular these days with the Hollywood crowd. You wouldn’t be the first artist to fake it, but its not like anyone is going to actually find out. Once you have figured out your story and whether it is going to be a mental illness or premature death, it’s time to paint. Get the business end out of the way and you are free to let those wonderful abstract emotions take you. Sigh, the secrets to the biz that Bob Ross kept secret from you!
If you are curious about my story, I faked having a drink earlier in this blog. I don’t actually drink or do any substances. Nobody would dare trust my art though if they found out I was always sober.
Anyway, you are ready to paint now and so am I.
Choose some dark colors randomly. I started with a dark Rothko-ish rectangle. Rothko is known for making $700,000 per rectangle he painted. He pretty much only painted rectangles. He painted approximately 2,400 rectangles in his career. This means rectangles are clearly the most profitable shape to paint and should be the basis of any painting you ever do from here on out.
As you can see and holding to abstract form, I painted a dark black rectangle freely to start out with:
I dabbed a bit of green after setting my rectangle and started with an idealistic tornado to properly continue my inner expression a bit further down. The tornado represents the constant whirl of emotion I hold inside that nobody will ever understand or comprehend.
By now you should have done something similar. Just let your rectangular creativity flow.
I found my range and got aggressive. I layered some white freely into some green, and I drew off of the the previous tornado emotions to create a bigger atmospheric disturbance. This is the artistic storm I dispense when I realize I am quite possibly the most naturally talented artist to ever live.
If you feel inferior to my skills I understand. Try to block out everything and focus on your own emotion. Who knows what depth of soul you have until you challenge it?
I felt a shitstorm of fuck just about then coming up through my spine. I felt my bowels cringing at the very thought of humanity. I dug deep and found a nice red to mix in to the green for a colon cleansing brown. I rededicated my original tornadic emotions by drawing an even larger vortices in the place of the old green-clean tornado.
You need to brace yourself for the climax coming in your work. After a painting receives its soul from the hands of the artist it must be validated with the quality of detail the art world deserves. Only you can author this beauty and flagship of intuitive artistic synergy.
I deviated from the money hungry plan of pure Rothko rectangles a bit. I feel it is a bit cheap and childish to rip off the style of another famous artist in search of only profit. I want to lay my own groundwork for a successful career in my own right, and so should you.
As you can see I got into a trance and powered in some blue rage. I questioned the very concept of rectangles and imperialistic virtues of fine art as we know it. I started to paint a sickle, but it turned into the second entendre of a question mark.
I wanted to represent the struggle of my ego with my passion for real art. To be famous you must want to fill not only your ego, but your true soul. The blue was used to depict the emotion of a Siberian train car. Taking me away from all that is holy because I turned my back on an abstract painting consisting solely of four sided geometry.
I started to explore the circle when somehow I found the star. I painted not just any shaped star, but a starfish! I can understand if you are weary to explore such depths of your own soul and question the basic fundamentals of contemporary art, but risk is a good thing sometimes. Malevich found his way with a lone circle shape, so can you with your own favorite shape!
I continued my attack emotionally on the rectangles and decided some sensory text was in order. However, before I could finish conceptually with paint, I went back to my dark side of conforming with abstractionism norms. I decided I must finish my sentence with a box. The box in my mind somehow protects the revolutionary side of my brain from completing the circuit with the question mark. A question mark which now clearly defines the rebellious psychology found deep inside me.
It’s getting deep now intellectually, and you should be well on your way with your own work if you have managed to follow my simple yet complex technique. The climax has come and we only have a let down to look forward to until the next masterpiece we strive to create.
The denouement of abstract greatness comes with some relaxing pleasures. I wanted to spice up the starfish to mesh better with the tornado of excrement nearby. I felt a fire for the starfish with all the debris being passed through it. I also decided to add a rectangle stem to the box. This brought the number of rectangles in the painting to my lucky number, 13. Some are hidden, and some are obfuscated with round shapes and drama, but all are by design. I think I brought all my emotions full circle in this work and was proud to add my signature in the bottom right.
You should be as confident now as me with your work. I hope the inspiration you take carries over to your contemporary career. I don’t always paint abstract, but when I do, I paint as many rectangles as possible.